Diary IV

Dear Diary: My Personal Chronicles IV -
“Let’s stop for a moment now and share some painful stories shall we? Or should I go back to the time when u laid down the rules on how I should be a good little boyfriend; and u wound up leaving me anyway?”
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It was a day like any other, uneventful and untouched. His call came through, like always; or so I thought. I said my usual casual hello and he spoke up. “She and I are no longer together any more.” I felt a huge lump in my mouth and I didn’t know what to say, except that something seemed so wrong all of a sudden. His throat suddenly seemed to run dry but he continued with the same quantum of indifference that his voice seemed to betray the first time he said those words “Its just not working out; we have decided to move on”. I had absolutely no words to justify the moment.

My mind suddenly did summersaults and raced back to the winter of 2002. It had been a helluva period in our already turbulent lives. The triumvirate had just come out of a huge practical project, one that had nearly sucked the blood out of the premise of our very existence whilst at the same time ensuring that we put in our best shot there over a period of 2 huge months. What had originally begun as a professional endeavor was finally culminating into something personal… more personal than I would have ever envisaged.

Amidst all the project work, I indulged into some heavy ragging which drove her wild and crazy; but neither she nor he showed any signs of budging from their original stand. And I thought I was the master at this game.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. The project was almost at an end. Nothing seemed to have come of it; minus the professional agenda of course. I had almost but given up on anything happening there - the teasing had led nowhere. Or so I thought.

As we descended the stairs a few weeks later, on our way back home, those words popped out of his mouth which stayed etched in memory! “I and she have fallen for each other!” and I was like what the... As it slowly dawned upon me, I realized that the seed of my actions had finally borne fruit and resulted into an amazing association one that transcended beyond and across all boundaries and realms of my imagination.

I did not follow up on their association for years to come because I knew they would be solid. Nothing and nobody would break them apart, atleast that’s what I liked to believe. Not until that fateful call, 4 ½ years later.

I cut the line, but his words simmered at the back of my mind for a pretty long time. This could not be happening, definitely not in my book. They were always meant to be together, he had said so himself. I covered my face with the palm of my hands. Words had defeated me again and my mouth had run completely dry.

Days passed and we happened to go out a few times. But the casual indifference surrounding his entire presence continued to defy me as I failed to meet his eye. I had to find out what was going on. It was almost a month later when I finally managed to accost him with the doubts that had been running through my mind for so long.

“What happened?” I asked. For a long time he looked away; and then finally he spoke, with what seemed like a knot in his throat, something that turned into tears at the drop of a hat. Pain and betrayal was writ large on his face as he looked up and said, “I couldn’t fight it out any more. It was just not worth it.” What followed for a few minutes later was a reflection of the humongous pain that he had suppressed within himself over the travesty that he had allowed himself to be subjected to, and that too for no fault of his.

As I walked down the stairs, a huge sense of loss descended over me. I felt as if a part of me had been taken out of me with utter disdain and contempt. Theirs was a model relationship one that I had looked up to for almost half a decade, and now it had died a premature death, one that totally defied the realms of my comprehension.

Diary III

Dear Diary: My Personal Chronicles -
“Let’s stop for a moment now and share some painful stories shall we? Or should I go back to the time when you laid down the rules on how I should be a good little boyfriend… and you wound up leaving me anyway?”
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It was a casual Saturday afternoon not many weeks ago… and the call came through. She had suffered a staggering loss, one that made me wonder as to how she was taking it. For the rest of the morose weekend that followed, I put up a despondent show wondering to myself as to how does one put up with the loss of a loved one. But I had no answer! I just couldn’t imagine myself being in her place for I for one would know not how to handle myself during such a difficult time.

She was one of the good lot, always helpful, always there when u needed her. People like her changed the way you perceived the establishment where u worked. She made u want to help others; just like she did and would continue to do so. Add to that her impeccable knowledge and boundless talent and what we had was an all-rounder, a match-winner someone whom we all relied upon. Come what may, there was always a solution in store right at the tip of her tongue.

When one of our good friends entered into marital wedlock and I almost chucked the idea of paying the happy couple a visit because of lack of excitement on part of our fellow team-mates, it was she who called me up and coaxed me into attending the reception with her. The enthusiasm with which she convinced me the importance of paying our dear friend a visit on the most important day of his life was writ large on her face as I found it hard to say no to her. At that precise moment, the usually omnipresent sedate little mask slipped and the over-excited, hyper-animated child in her showed through. At the reception as she happily defamed me in front of the new bride, all I could do was shut up and watch the brutal assassination of my character with smiling indifference.

After I discontinued the fateful call, I looked back at the little time we had spent together and her usually ever-so responsive face kept coming to mind. I knew I had to pay a visit, one that I dreaded. You never know what to say at such times, words defy you and whatever u do, u know u can never say it right.

The slow, steady walk towards her apartment was one of the slowest I had undertaken in my entire life. As she walked up to me, a wry, despondent smile curved her lips and I felt a sharp pang of sorrow because the pain in her eyes was unmistakable. At that precise moment, all I wanted to do was to put my arms around her and tell her that I loved her, and I did in my own possible way; enough to want to stick it out with her through her pain and misery. Tears welled up in my eyes as I hugged her, not being able to say that it would be alright... because that would be hypocritical of me. I felt like I was being a phony!

As I walked through her door-step, the painful atmosphere that encompassed the room was distinctively identifiable. For a long time, there was silence in the room as nobody spoke. No attempts were made to even figure out what could be done! And then she shook her head... and took a long time to answer, but finally she did with what seemed like a knot in her throat, something that turned into tears at the drop of a hat. As she opened her heart out to speak, I could see the intense pain and hurt in her voice, mirrored and magnified only by the pain of my own. It seemed like a Herculean effort for her to express what this loss had done to her and it broke my heart to simply look at her. There was something guarded about her eyes, as though even looking at people was painful now. I could feel the toll her loss had taken on her.

“Three out of three must die… so shut up and deal”. That’s all she uttered. I dint know what to say because nothing I could do or say would alleviate her pain. She was the kind of girl a guy would want to take home to his Mother... I knew I would. But at such a delicate time, how could I tell her that. Here she was walloping within the premise of her miserable existence, and all I could think of was the magical moments that we had spent together and how they had gone on to alter my life for times to come.

She used to be such a talkative person… There was reely no need to talk; she was capable of talking for two even while she was eating and she didn’t need any answers either. And now, it seemed like this loss had taken out the steam from her soul. I asked her slowly if she had plans to remarry and all she said was, “I met the love of my life... I married him. Now he’s gone and I don’t need anybody else...” Her words were like a stab through the heart. She looked so beautiful it almost hurt to look at her. The conversation was getting dangerously personal. She gave me a look that defied time and distance between us, almost as if she could read my mind; and I finally couldn’t stand it anymore and looked in the opposite direction. She was perfect for me, infact we were perfect for one another; except that she was married. And now he was gone.

Finally the depression in the atmosphere started getting to us, and I knew it was time to say my goodbyes. "Why do you look so sad?" she asked... and all I could say was, "Because I love you". As I got up to leave, she hugged me and said softly, "You better take good care of yourself. If you ever let something happen to you I am going to be damn mad. But if you are here to rescue me, it’s a little too late. I guess somebody is getting a new pair of shoes. I want you to go."

As I walked down the stairs, a deep sense of loss engulfed around me. Once I had wondered if I would recognize true love when it came... And now that I had, nothing would be the same ever again... It was the closest I had ever been to unconditional love, and it seemed to have happened overnight, almost as if I had been waiting for her to come around. Love would never be the same again… life would never feel the same again.

Diary II

Dear Diary: It’s that time of the year again… the time when we are all meant to come together, rejoice and celebrate. Its Christmas again. But sadly, I don’t feel reely Christmassy right now. The time is now passé. A spell of gloom and obscurity has descended over the basis of my very existence.

As clichéd as it might sound, she’s gone. The one person who stood by me like a rock for 14 months of my life, my soul-mate, my confidant, my best friend, has finally bid goodbye. For 14 long months, day in and day out, she was there by my side, stuck on to me like a leech. When I wanted her off my back, she wouldn’t budge. When I tried to trick her into leaving me, she wouldn’t move an inch. She stood right there, until she had secured her place into my life, a place so supreme and unparalleled, that nobody and no one else could ever even think of replacing her.

It was a friendship like no other. An association that involved long chats on the phone, followed by many, many smses over the cellphone and then getting back to the age old technique of conversing on IM. An association that was and would always be special for times to come; an association that was always more special than just friends.

For 14 months, I wondered to myself what made us click. Today even after she is gone, I have no answer. It was that moment in time, that phase of my life where everything seemed just so perfect. Nothing would have ever gone wrong. We got along like a house on fire… there was nothing hidden between us. All that had transpired earlier and subsequently during the course of those 14 months, was out there. There would be no secrets. She knew how I felt and what I went through… and me too. There wasn’t a moment in that period when I needed her and she wasn’t there for me.

The solace and the comfort of her very soothing presence made me turn a blind eye to the harsh reality of life around me. She was a keeper, I had realized it a long time back. She was all I ever needed to feel alive again. She had become a part of me, mind, body and soul. I didn’t ever miss her, because she was always with me, everywhere. I opened my eyes, I saw her. I closed my eyes, I still saw her everywhere. She was right there beside me all the time, talking to me, guiding me, comforting me. “Nothing can ever break us up Kenny, I won’t let it”… she would say to me time and again. And I believed her. I reely thought we were solid. I reely thought this time it would last forever.

Its back to Christmas… but this time she’s not there. She’s bid her goodbyes and I am back to where I was 14 beautiful months ago – empty-handed; all alone, broken-hearted, wretched and despondent over the loss of possibly the only woman I could ever possibly love. Life has taken a miserable turn. There is nothing to look forward to, nowhere to go. A shadow of darkness has descended over my life and no amount of joy and happiness is gonna take away the desperation that has encompassed around me. All I see around me today are dim visions and blurry images of my beautiful association with the most wonderful human being I could have ever possibly known, one of the finest and nicest persons to have ever graced my life and touched my soul in a way I just cannot describe.

It’s that time of the year again… its Christmas. But I don’t feel Christmassy right now. I am sorry.

Diary I

‘Dear Diary:

This morning I met the girl I am going to marry. Ever since the day I have laid eyes on her, I have been hopelessly, completely and madly in love with her. As our eyes crossed I realized; she was the one for me. She was the girl I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with’.

As she entered thru the door, I gazed at her for a split second and I knew I was in trouble, way deep trouble... Oh, God, if only you knew what you did to me, woman... We met; we got to know each other.... We started going out together. She looked so beautiful it almost hurt to look at her... Close up there was an electric vitality to the glowing nymphette that was almost overpowering. I often wondered to myself what it would be like to discover true love and now that I had nothing would be the same ever again. We shared a bond that defied time and years; and the private horrors that we had faced together. She was the kind of girl a guy would want to take home to his mother. Only then it struck me she wasn’t playing games at all... she was playing for keeps... It was a fairy-tale love story that everyone thought would culminate into a great marriage.

In the aftermath of the shattering betrayal and the staggering pain that followed, love seemed like an emotion that suddenly got buried deep into the realms of fantasy. It was only after she left I realized how utterly alone and miserable I was going to be. As I lived through her painful betrayal, I realized that death wasn’t reely the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss was actually what died inside of me while I lived.

‘We were always meant to be together.... you said so yourself’, I asked her as to why she had called it quits on me and all I could muster out of her was, ‘You are a good friend James, the best. But you have always been a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend; and even this was a new low for you’. Her words were like a stab in the heart. That was the last time I was going to get to see her for what she reely was... almost as if she were my own. “You are going back to Forrester, arent you?” I asked her as slowly tears welled up in my eyes. For moments we stood side by side together on the sidewalk, one last time... but I couldn’t have been more alone.

The nights would be lonely... and the bed, so cold and empty. “Why did you let her go?” they asked of me. And I said, “This wasn’t love, just a compromise and you can’t live your life with a compromise”. There was that pain and hurt in her eyes... I could see it for myself... Seeing her date another guy was the hardest thing I had to ever do in my life. As he walked up to us, a real smile curved her lips and I felt a sharp stab of jealousy down my spine because she would never smile at me that way.

I had to stop thinking about her; there would be no other way. Nostalgia brought with it pangs of pain that tightened the noose around my heart. Someday I would die a miserable and broken-hearted man... that was my destiny. I felt as if I had walked into someone else’s nightmare. My past would come back to haunt me... big time.

How could it all have gone so wrong? This was the only question that kept coming to mind. By now the stranglehold of love had reached suffocating proportions.

Deep in my oblivion I heard my best friend scream his lungs out, “Dude... She dumped you like 15 years ago! Get over it!” And all I could say was, “Sorry, there’s only so much a guy can take you know”. Life had developed into a vicious circle of my self created horrors.

And then she was no more a conglomeration of the pain or the shattering betrayal, but just the girl I fell in love with years ago. “Alright... I do not know how to not love you; that’s not gonna change. But I can bury it, I did it before and I will do it again.” I told her. Finally I had my epiphany... I would have to live with it. Life moves on. I had to move on. There would be no other way.